I’ve been struggling with anxiety of late. There’s a project that I despair of every getting done with, and of ever getting right.
I’ve spent hours agonizing over it, and have had many ( I say that intentionally – many ) conversations with God asking if the current condition of the project were my fault. While I can see areas where I could have done things differently, for the most part He doesn’t seem to be worried at all.
I was washing dishes yesterday, going back over all the reasons why my project was going to fail. I was feeling horrible and attempting to repent, or else resigning to myself that I would take whatever consequences might come. In the middle of all this self abasement, I took a moment to see what Jesus might have to say.
I took a moment to slow down sufficiently, so that I could recognize His presence living in me…and instead of hearing him say something to me, I perceived that He was sad. So I asked Him why.
He said to me: “Why are you still carrying that grief?” – it seems he was sad that I was torturing myself with these circumstances. Even as He said that, I knew he was referring to Isaiah 53, so I went to look it up and see afresh what it might say to me.
As I read the first few verses, I had a brief moment of revelation – surely He carried my sorrows. Now, I’m not claiming deep theological understanding, or doctrinal clarity – but it seems His word to me is that my grief, sorrow, etc is/was carried by Him. Apparently I don’t have the right to carry it…so there’s nothing for me to do but proceed.
Now that doesn’t mean everything is going to work out perfectly according to my wishes – that doesn’t imply that there aren’t consequences for actions I have or haven’t taken. But I see a separation between discipline on the one hand and sorrow on the other.
So Jesus carried my sorrow. I spent today using that reality to fight off my discouragement.
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